Another Day

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have written. The facts are that: I started a relationship, finished it, and tried to go on. Really, I am happier now that it has ended. It did not end well. And well, it in retrospect, was not good while it lasted. How sad is it that a seven year relationship with a part time drug user was better than this six month relationship? That does not change the fact that I had my part. I hate being the educated but still a vulnerable partner.

My relationship with alcohol has not gotten better. But it will. It seems silly to say that but I have faith. I do not belong to a 12 step program but I know that when I give up control God will take over. I KNOW that. I am just scared to let go. It has been me and my life for so long. How will I define myself? Can I really be OK with the title of alcoholic? Can't there be a better title? Is it really a disease? Really?

I know I drink too much. I have taken the "tests". But even when I was only having a few drinks here and there I still tested as an alcoholic. I guess my aversion to the definition of disease has to lie with my father. It is nicer and easier to say he has a disease than it is to say he had a choice about how he spent his time when he drank. I still believe had a choice. I guess there is a part of me that thinks that his choice is a disease.

Can I live a day or three without a drink? Yes. Do I think about drinking all the time? No. Do I drink by my self during the day? No. Do I like to have a drink? Yes. Do I have more than one at a time? Yes. Does my drinking interfere with my normal daily activities? No. Do I often wish that I did not drink? Yes. Why? Well...I do not think it is Christ like. I want to be a good representation of Christ. I know I will often fail; this just happens to be the most glaring failure that stares me in the face.

I know that with God all things are possible. I also know that I am created to have free will. So...that means I need to surrender. OUCH. Give up? Let someone else have control of my life? I just sighed a big sigh of relief at that though. That does not mean that I give up. It does mean that I stop trying to make life "The Price is Right". It means that I really, no, REALLY let go and let God.

I think I finally figured out what the phrase "If this life I lose" means. For me it means if I forgo the worldly/monitary dreams of finance, home, dreams. It basicly means the life I imagine as a person of the world. The life that I think of between birth and death. Not necissarily my physical life. but every thing that happens in my physical life that I hope of or dream of that is about me and what I hope to achieve or live out on my own accord.