June 4th

I have been tossing about this idea for a while. A place where, if nothing else, I am honest with myself. If someone else reads this, then all the better. I am tired of pretending and I am tired of my facade. I am flawed and I am a Christian. I have always know I was flawed. I have not always known I was a Christian. I have had brushes with God and with His faithful; they have not always turned out well. Growing up in a church family I thought I knew who and what God is. I am learning I don't. In fact, all I know is: He loves me, sent His Son to die for me, and His grace forgives me even though I don't deserve it. That should seem like enough but it isn't. I want answers and am brazen enough to ask for them.

I want the world to know that I smoke and drink.

I cannot belive I just said that. There are a select few who know this about me. I hope the rest of my loved ones live without this knowlege of me. Yet, I really want everyone to know this about me. Yes, even my Grandma Bev and Pastor Jeff. I just want to be rid of this burden. I want to be honest in my weaknesses and short comings. I do not want to appear to be the "June Cleaver" of Christianity. I am so flawed, weak, deplorable, unworthy, and unloveable. Yet....I believe that God has a plan for my life. I have a passion. It is there and I am unworthy of carrying it out.

I think that my thoughts have run amok. Tomorrow I will try to address what I hope to achieve with this outlet and my purpous for using this journal.